My job has fluctuations in the level of activity. Being a DevOps engineer, one who is typically tasked with responding to issues rather than implementing new features, the job comes in waves. Some days are busy, 5-alarm fire types of days. These days are not so bad. But most days are not this...most days feel as if I am just starting at a blank new tab window in the browser.
I wanted a lot when I was younger. I wanted to be a scientist. Unfortunately the professor I did research for forgot to write me a letter of recommendation after they said they would, and I did not get in because of this. So I am stuck doing what I do now, at least for now.
I want to use my brain, using my brain to solve things is my favorite task, besides petting my dog and relaxing. It is unfortunate that I have to work in a job that is 75% being bored out of your mind and only 25% actual work involving your brain, and it may be an even greater disparity than that.
Unfortunately the job market is fucked right now. The GOP has begun to try to defund higher education, and because the admins of these colleges are feckless cowards they are bending the knee. I am unsure if graduate school is in the cards in the near future. There are more job seekers than jobs, the American economy is losing jobs each month.
Maybe I should be fortunate that I at least have a decent income to help feed me and my dog. I do wish I had someone else in my life to at least be miserable together with, but that is not the fault of the economy. I am glad that I at least have a job though.
When I spend the entire day bored out of my mind, it is hard to regather the energy to be productive after work. It sucks that you have to spend most of the day just staring at a screen doing nothing, then only have a few hours of actual productive time in the evenings. I do need to try harder though, but it is difficult not being too hard on myself.
My disordered eating is most likely exacerbating the issue, barely eating until I feel like crap and have to eat.
What probably frustrates me the most is that in the evenings I have all of this willpower to make changes, I am very energized by the idea of improving myself, and it is all gone in the mornings. It is almost like I forget what I am supposed to be doing to improve myself. I wake up with a mild stomach ache and just loaf around until its time for work. Why?
Maybe Tarantino was right when he said you have to stay up all night on the night you want to make changes, otherwise you will forget. But I get so tired and feel sick when I stay up all night. Maybe I will do that tonight, but let us be realistic here - I am just going to continue to be a fucking loser.
My other biggest issue is I just do not know how to go to grad school since that one professor just forgot to write a letter for me, and I was unable to contact them. It has been 10 years, I have no idea if I can even go at this point. Maybe I should just get another undergraduate degree, but I am not sure if that is the correct path either.
One thing is for certain though: I have to find a way to leave this funk. I used to be someone who did things. I use to ride my bike everywhere, I used to go to events, I used to do stuff.
Why.