Recently I have realized that it has felt like I was asleep for the past few years. It is an odd feeling...I thought I was working towards goals. I was trying to write code or use Procreate or lift a few weights to gain a better understanding of it all, but in reality I was just thinking about doing that.
I am not sure what finally kicked me out of this hole, but I think it is the fact that I scheduled by first annual physical in two years. I wanted to get good baseline numbers so started taking my health very seriously for the two weeks leading up to the appointment. It is wild to me just how much my mental/physical outlook has changed in just a few days.
I feel like I need to relearn how to do a lot of things that most people already know how to do, such as eat regularly and follow a consistent schedule outside of my work day. I decided that its okay to feel like a lost kid in regards to this right now. It is okay to admit that you need to figure out how to do something again...I think an appropriate term is "being rusty".
I think what really kicked off the "depths" I was stuck in was Covid, which is true for a lot of people. I never got Covid, as far as I am aware, but the pandemic threw my entire lifestyle into the trash bin. I used to be this active person who walked miles a day, rode my bike to the grocery store, and went to the driving range frequently (so frequently I grew a lump in the palm of my hand that is now gone thankfully).
But then I became this gremlin of habit, just doing the same things each day. I didn't grow much for a year or so. I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and starting those medications made me realize that I was not actually depressed and did not actually have (too large) of an anxiety issue...but thats all it did was elucidate that information for me. I was able to do chores more frequently and all of that stuff but the biggest gain from the medication was realizing that my anxieties and depression was just my inability to control some executive thinking.
But years of thinking about it and focusing on it have helped a lot and I don't need as much medication now. I have actually asked to have my medication reduced twice since being diagnosed, and both times the doctors obliged. I mean they kind of had to, they can't force you to take meds unless you are restrained.
All of that being said, I still feel like I have been asleep for the past two and a half years (2023, 2024, and the start of 2025)...which coincidentally lines up with the last time I got my (normally) annual physical examination at my GP. I must admit in my youth I was a hypochondriac but that went away almost entirely once I started the right ADHD meds.
In my youth I had an serious alcohol issue where I would drink until getting drunk a few times a week, it was bad. For the past two years I have consumed enough alcohol to be "drunk" maybe one or two times. The last time it happened was over two years ago when I was camping with my buddy who can really put them back and I tried to keep up.
I also tried to quit marijuana a few times, with the last attempt (before this year) being about 3 years ago. The reason it was so difficult for me was that falling asleep was hell, and my "restless leg syndrome" could seemingly only be stopped with marijuana! I know this is not true today. I have recently cut marijuana out of my life, and falling to sleep is still brutal but the electric leg feelings is not there now, so unsure why that was an issue for so many years...
Regardless, I am finally taking my health and life seriously and I must be honest it feels good even if I am getting piss-poor sleep this week. But hey, four to six hours of sleep is far better than zero.
Now, how the fuck do I get into graduate school after years of being away? I really wish the professor I had done undergraduate research for, who agreed to write me a letter of reccomendation, actually remembered to do so when the time mattered 10 years ago. This, however, is a less pressing issue than my physical and mental health...I feel this answer will find itself when I am healthier.
From the song Day Gaunts by Days N' Daze:
It was fun when I was younger
But now I've got a path to chose
Either clean up and get down or fuck up and tune out